Leadership: 12 steps for Fighting Fair
Although this post was written for married partners, the rules apply equally to business relationships.
1. No violence or aggressive physical or verbal threats.
2. No name-calling, like ‘You are __’ statements (e.g., ‘You are stupid’, ‘You are crazy’)
3. Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. No invoking past or related grievances.
4. Stay on topic. Many develop the habit of having ‘boxcar’ arguments where they start off on one issue then keep adding boxcars to the train so that finally they cannot remember where the arguement started.
5. Don’t try and score points with hard hitting humor…such as “does your train of thought have a Caboose?
6. Avoid fighting when everybody is tired or stressed out.
7. No arguing when either person has been using alcohol.
8. Use ‘time-outs’ to defuse escalations. Should anyone fear a loss of control, make it OK to call for a a “time-out”. The argument stops there, but the person calling time-out is commited to calling time-in” after no more than 30 minutes.
9. No blaming. Determining fault doesn’t change anything.
10. Acknowledge when you are feeling defensive.
11. If you discover that you are wrong, promptly admit it. it’s amazing how many people have trouble with this rule.
12. When the argument ends, each person needs to state the solution/agreement as they understand it. When the fight is over, check for leftover feelings and resentments.
Conclusion: the objective needs to shift from being right to finding out what is going on in each person’s ‘world’. In this spirit of ‘mutual inquiry’, there are no winners, and ultimately no right-and-wrong. Only more aware people, mutually acceptable solutions-and a stronger, closer, wiser relationship.
by Dr. J,Scherer