GROWTH: LEARNING TO DIE FOR
Before learning, we must unlearn by letting go of previously held knowledge and assumptions. Unlearning is a form of death. Throughout our lives we must “die” many times in order to grow. One of the more traumatic human transitions is going through what parents call the terrible-twos. Until the age of two, human babies feel omnipotent—assuming that they are the center of the universe and expecting the world to respond accordingly.
What a shock when Mom and Dad begin laying down rules and start introducing consequence. The essential parental responsibility of introducing consequence is not unlike what a mother bird contributes by kicking her babies out of the nest. There is no status quo, all living things die their way to the next stage of life.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross, in her insightful book On Death and Dying, identifies five emotional stages that Humans go through when facing physical death. She suggested that people experience, in order:
- denial (it can’t be happening to me)
- anger (at Doctors, friends, family and God)
- bargaining (maybe if I try harder and become a better person)
- depression (recognition that the jig is up)
- acceptance ( OK, I better get on with the days I have left)
When facing physical or intellectual death, people who work through the pain of letting go, will move from phase four to five—the final but often peaceful and enlightening stage . Accepting the inevitability of endings does not mean giving up. It heralds beginnings and is a precursor to growth. After losing my wife to cancer, I can attest to the beauty and richness of working through the dying process with a loved one.
Anger or disruptive behavior is often a step towards success—think back to a group meeting at work when a major change was announced. It’s not unnatural for people in the process of letting go of a deeply held attitude or belief, to be fearful and upset. The process of unlearning feels unpleasant because like dying, it involves letting go of previously held attitudes, habits, people, places and beliefs. Parents, teachers, and managers, who misread the early stages of learning (letting go) and derail the process by intervening, can unknowingly inhibit growth.
